Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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