foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
