Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
