I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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