happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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