i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
