I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
