Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
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