Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
