i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm just crazy horny about you
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize