We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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