I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
