So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
