I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
