Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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