he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
