I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
