K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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