Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize