cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
