now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Moan for me like Helen Keller
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
