The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
third nipple confirmed
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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