Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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