the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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