i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
