M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Randomize
