theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
