What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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