When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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