I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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