it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Hippo gnu deer
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
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