he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
