Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
