How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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