Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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