My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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