dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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