So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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