I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
