Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
