i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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