she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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