what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
