She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
