those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
