I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
