He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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