Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
