Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize