I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
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