I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
