Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize
