You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
