you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
