I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize