Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
