She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Randomize
