you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
