I got chris browned last night
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
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