Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
This gyro tastes like lonliness
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
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