can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Randomize
