How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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